It’s Time to Eliminate Automobiles

Ocean County Observer

January 26, 1987

Gridlock at 6 pm in New York City on a Sunday shouldn’t happen. But it did. Nothing moved. Cars going north coagulated in the crossing lanes so that cars going east and west couldn’t pass. If an innocuous weekend evening can produce this confusion, imagine an atomic alert or even evacuating so few as 100,000 people because of a chemical spill. It can’t be done.

The obvious answer to all this is to eliminate the automobile, the number one clogger, killer and maimer. Now Congress might find it difficult to ban the automobile (that vehicle that urns broad highways into scruffy little alleys) from the highways and byways of this country. Surely it will cause unemployment, not here so much as in Japan and Korea and perhaps West Germany. So be it. Those countries will have to find an alternative, one of which would be to export their autos to the USSR where they will surely displace the military from all highways leading westward.

But in America the car must be severely restricted – barred from the city in which transportation will be turned over to the subways, trolleys, pedestrians bicycles and joggers. Barring cars from the city can’t do less than improve health and decrease mortality. Sure it might inconvenience some of us but the slack could be picked up by a dazzling transportation system. Don’t worry about graffiti. It will simply brighten the dark gray that cities consider neutral and inoffensive.

Not only are cities grid-locked but access to the cities is also impossible as 14 or more highways are funneled into two lane tunnels and bridges. No sane organization would disorganize itself in such an insane way.

How not to organize traffic to and from the cities so that some things function? Simple. Rehire the traffic controllers fired by President Reagan during his first term. These traffic experts sitting in towers expeditiously spaced would receive a beamed signal from each computerized auto on the road, and the driver would turn control of his or her vehicle over to traffic control. Since each car would have cruise control there should be little problem directing the traffic into the public transport depots surrounding the city.

“Okay traffic control, this is Buick 333 logging in I want to get off at exit 129.”

“Gotcha 333. You’re logged on. Set your cruise control to 55 and we will tell you when to slow down. Will you please move to the left lane, and three miles from egress move to the right lane to exit.”

“Roger traffic control. I do this at 55 miles per hour?”

“We’ll take care of everything. First we will slow down the lead car in the right lane so you can slide over. We will give you your speeds as you approach the get-off point. Buckle up and take off.”

“Roger traffic control. What happens if I get a flat or breakdown?”

“Well old buddy, not to worry. We have the destination of every car. All we do is move you to the shoulder, then stop the first car going your way and you will get a lift.”

“How about hijacking? Can I get hijacked that way?”

“Nope, we have control of the vehicle.”

”Suppose you guys want to hijack me?”

“Well, there’s an idea old buddy. There’s a real interesting idea.”